AlmØst SØmewhere : Stolen Glances

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Ignorance is bliss

Listening to: Incubus ~ Dig

So it's 3:30 in the morning and.. I'm still up. Given that I've been tired for the past few months, (yes, months) I find this pretty surprising. And guess what I'm doing? I'm stalking people. Be it LiveJournal, Friendster (not so much now that I'm not on that anonymous viewing option), Multiply or DeviantArt. Mostly LiveJournal though, since I can stalk there without leaving evidence of my stalk-age. You'd think that somehow, I'd be content with all the things that are happening in my life to not concern myself with what's happening in the lives of the brother of my online friend or the female friend of a former friend or someone I thought was somewhat interesting in a community, but no! I read, and I stalk, and I click and click and click. I wonder if I'm just genuinely curious, or if I'm just chismosa. Actually, nix that. I have to be genuinely curious. I'm too clueless to be chismosa. Or I'm something completely different.

Anyway. So much for my resolution to update my blog every week.

I took the ACET two weeks ago. I was actually supposed to meet up with a guildmate there before the exam itself, but we never got to coordinate, so I had no idea who to look for. The ACET itself was ok; I think I did a much better job than when I took the ACET two years ago. Which is a good thing, considering I was Waitlisted then. Unlike last time, I was able to answer everything. Even if I shotgunned Math. Math will always be a bitch in my book. I'm more or less confident about the rest of the exam though. :) Still, I've to wait until the second week of Feb for the results, and I can't be too sure about anything until then.

After the ACET was my exams. I didn't do much except for bum around and study. Well, I don't think I did much because I can't remember anything from then. x3 I'm so forgetful, not that I don't blog as often as I used to.

Last Thursday I got sick at school after eating at ChowKing. I'm never eating at ChowKing Dapitan again. It was a very unpleasant experience. Vomitting is.. blargh. It's a good thing Coco convinced me to go home; I was thinking of attending the rest of my classes because Thursday is one of my busiest days, with classes from 1pm to 7pm with no break. But once I got home, I found out the class was dismissed early, and everyone went home without doing much.

On Friday, I skipped classes because I went to the hospital for a check up. The Medical Technician there had a hard time extracting blood from my arm, and ended up fishing around my with the needle for my vein. TWICE. Grawlekfjlaskjdf. He finally called the doctor, and she tried to get blood from my wrist. She didn't get much, though. Apparently, my veins have shrunken in size since the last time I was there. Which was when I had that little 'accident' with the Amoxicillin. ~_~ Later in the evening though, I went out to Eastwood with Gela, Cai, and Racine. It was a last minute thing, so Gretchen and Kari weren't able to come with. :( Well, most of the time when we have last minute gimmicks, it's us four who're usually the ones allowed to go out. Often my parents don't even ask where I'm going, just as long as I have transpo. XD Which has led to me feeling like a transpo leech because someone always has to take me home. >_<

Recently I've been getting sick, with colds, headaches, loss of appetite and general fatigue. I honestly think its partially caused by the schedule I have at school. A lot of times I'm forced to skip lunch or eat late lunch because my classes are all one after the other, with no break in between. This has led to me either:

1) skipping lunch
2) skipping dinner because I ate late lunch

I used to skip meals every once in a while, but since it's became more and more frequent, my body is finally starting to reel from the consequences. I actually skipped dinner last night, and right now my tummy is complaining. I know a lot of people are going to hit me now for skipping dinner. x_o

Somehow I think it's also affected by how I've been feeling emotionally. Well, things haven't been carefree for the past few months.

A few weeks ago I found out that my uncle Dondon was dying. The first time I met uncle Dondon was when his wife died, and my dad, being a close friend of his, brought us to the wake. That was the first time I met him. Since then, he's been a reoccurring character in our lives, often taking us out for dinner, always being at the parties we go to, showing up at the house for house dinners. He was even at my debut. I've sooo many uncles, but he's one of the uncle's whose name I actually know. Recently, he was diagnosed with having tumors growing in his liver, and some other stuff which I'm not sure of. What I did understand was that he had pretty much less than a year to live. It's just so sad that he's dying. I mean, sure, he's lived his life, had a family, become a judge, but even so, even if you're already old, it doesn't mean that you've less right to live. No one's told him, actually. But we all know he's not dumb. There are other issues that have also laid a heavy burden on my shoulders, but I'd rather not discuss them here. At one point, I just crawled up on the floor and started crying. Well, the futon was laid out, so it wasn't that bad. I cried for a good, long while. It actually felt a bit good, releasing all that pent up negative energy. I wish I could cry in a positive way more often. If that's possible. The other recent times I've cried were because of:

1) fear of crowds and hormonal imbalance and
2) embarrassment.

I actually wish I would 'feel' more; more intensely, more passionately maybe, so that my negative emotions like anger and sadness and other more complex emotions would freely flow out of me instead of getting stuck somewhere on the way out, or instead of me locking it up somewhere. On the contrary, all my positive emotions flow out so fast that they're like fleeting moments. It's so weird. In the end, I feel emotionally everywhere, cut up into little pieces and scattered around the ground for the pigeons and the birds and given to people, and everyday is a decision of whether to be with people because they can somehow complete me, or I withdraw because I feel incomplete.

Let's suddenly change topic.

I've actually thought if my life was an insanely more complex version of The Sims. What if my life was being 'played' by a higher being; not necessarily God, but still possibly God, and I had this neon green diamond like thing floating above my head that only that being could see. But the commands were so complex and intricate, that only a higher being like he would be able to control, and we, as characters in this 'game', would know nothing about our simulated reality, which would be simulated for him but real for us. Are we really free? Or are we created with preset ambitions and characteristics; our actions controlled without our knowledge? Strange and somewhat out of character. You can blame this sudden line of thought on the movie Waking Life. Despite the fact that I'm currently doing horribly in Philosophy and I usually don't understand most of it, I still find it infinitely interesting. That is, when I do understand it. The movie tackled so many ideas; it was like a film of monologues and dialogs. One idea would be explained by one character, then the camera would pan, and set on another set of characters, discussing a completely different topic. Lucid dreams, reality, free will, theory and action, holy moments, and shared consciousness were a few terms. Now I want to find a DVD or a VCD of the movie so I can watch it again at my own pace and understand it. Is it possible that we're all living in an interconnected dream, each of us at a different layer of reality, based on the perception of each person? Given that the mind is an infinite source... anything is possible. I could be dead, and I'm 'living' in a repeating dream. At least one thing is certain; I exist. Well, I think. But I must exist then, because if I think, I exist; right?

Change topic again.

Drama. Sometimes I'm surprised at all the drama that happens right under my nose in our classroom. If I hadn't talked with Coco and Anj today, I would have remained clueless about a lot of issues that are slowly tearing our 'barkada' apart. That is, if we're still a barkada. Ignorance really is bliss; not knowing something's wrong and thinking that everything is ok. Then again, it can easily lead to one's own demise. Honestly though, I think what's happening is stupid. It's like.. a soap opera! Not like I watch them, but hey, they all follow a general theme. I know I can't avoid being involved, since I'm directly connected to those involved in the first place, but I don't want to meddle in things that I don't have any say. If things continue to go downhill from here, then I'll butt in. And I won't take any BS from anyone. Coco told me that the reason that I don't have any direct issues with anyone is because most people are afraid/intimidated by me. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

It's now 5:30. Time to dream.

{/3:20 AM} - { 3

3 Reflections

Finding the answers to all your questions will take a long time. Maybe some even don't have answers. But writing about those questions, and scattering them on the electronic windy winds of the Intarnet, has to be a step in the right direction. htt

By Anonymous, at 9:08 AM

i think i have a copy of waking life somewhere.

By Anonymous, at 9:55 PM

On stalking:
Everyone got the urge, you know? Don't stalk too much or let what you find bother you.. sometimes people reveal too much on the net. :O False sense of security.

On thinking stuff:
A lot of things ideas you have are impossible to disprove, but that's what make them so interesting. You never know right? Sometimes I think of such stuff too, threading the thin line between being imaginative or just plain delusional.
One idea I like to play around with, is the idea that we are biological robots. Just like a program, or a computer. But I always come to a dead end thinking about it.I question the question, wondering if it makes any difference if we are robots or not.
I ask why I can ask this in the first place. A big headache ~_~

(Pretty long comment, for a long post)

By Anonymous, at 9:31 PM

Look into the Mirror?

}

I'm almost somewhere.