Wednesday, February 28, 2007
I'm really bad at asking for help.
Listening to: Under my Umbrella ~ Incubus
February has ultimately been a bad month for me.
O God, please please please let March be a better month. Please? 28 days of crap is too much even for me.
If you don't want to read my emo post or rants then I suggest you go to a happier place or something.
I'm a wreck. I haven't been doing anything right for the past few days. I just want to crawl into a corner of my room and just sit there by myself until everything passes. The little bits of sanity that I have are steadily being lost to all the mood swings. Everything just adds to everything that's going wrong. One moment things are fine, the next I'm pulling my hair out of frustration, screaming in my head and crying in bed. It's so erratic it's insane.
I'm stressing myself over things which I have no control, and things that I do have control over but don't do anything about. It's so depressing when.. you think you're this kind of person.. a person who'd stand up for herself, a person who'll fight when she has to, a person who won't let herself be stepped on, a person who can say no, a person who isn't a push over.. then when a situation comes along, you find out that you're completely different from what you thought you were. It's so disappointing. You wonder where all your resolve has gone, just as the last bit of your self-esteem has completely left your body. And I worry for those around me. I stress over the decisions that only they can make. It scares me so much; the possibilities and the consequences.
Last night I dreamt that I was driving in an old, rickety maroon colored car down Commonwealth Avenue. The edges of the car were rusting, and it had no AC. So I was driving it with the windows down. I drove into an abandoned gas station, which was overlooking a large field. The sun was setting, and everything looked gold. For some reason, water was leaking from the roof of the gas station, and it dropped onto the hood of the car I was in, creating a steady beat. The next thing I knew, I was breaking into a library with a small group, sneaking into some sort of cult ritual taking place inside the library. I scaled one of the bookshelves (which enclosed the ritual taking place), and saw some sort of bonfire. The people in the group who were with me called me to come down, because books were falling and I was catching attention. The 'guards' of the cult saw me, and were coming towards the bookshelf. I started throwing books at them. I think I fell at one point, because I was suddenly inside the enclosure. Then I seriously started beating the crap out of everyone. It was like I suddenly had hero strength and I was disposing of all the nameless minions. I remember ripping out face piercings and punching people while I had rings on. They were all ganging up on me, and I was mercilessly clobbering them one by one, piling them into bloody heaps. I remember facing one guy who was crying, begging me not to hurt him. I punched him in the face as hard as I could. Then, I was in a hospital with my mom. We were there to get a checkup of some sort. It was work related. I was ushered into a 'room' with a curtain 'door'. I was forced to lie down on a examination bed. A woman came in, with a device in her hand. Apparently, she was an OB. She and the nurse started to force my legs apart. My mom was there, and she kept on telling me to do as the doctor told me to do. I fought. Then more and more people started coming into the room, and they started helping. The doctor started to bend down with the device in her hand, with all the people still there. I screamed and I yelled and I cried; I kicked and I lashed out and they held me down. Then I woke up.
If I could just turn myself off for a while.. hibernate or something.. that'd be nice. Usually I can take care of myself; I really can. But this month has just been too much.
I'm almost somewhere.
Monday, February 19, 2007
She licked the froth from the stirring spoon of her now cold hot chocolate. Why was she still online? Oh yeah. She still had a paper to write on global warming. Stupid people. She closed her eyes and prayed that the world would suddenly implode.
…Nope, not going to happen. She sighed, and turned in her swivel chair, pulling her planner from her bag on the floor behind her. With a thud, her planner sprawled out in front of her, and she carefully flipped through the pages. Monday, February 19, 2007. Her back hurt. She stared at her monitor. She knew she wasn’t going to get anything done. Her gaze fell onto the LCD of her cellphone, which lay idly on her desk. 9:48pm flashed on the screen.
I'm almost somewhere.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Listening to: The Postal Service ~ The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
And I'm home, yet no one knows.
Whenever you ride in a car with Maku driving, you should brace yourself. As an avid fan of Initial D (the anime and racing game), Maku is one of those guys who likes to rev up his engine while driving his car, resulting in sudden bursts of speed. The car creaks as it lurches forward and leans from side to side. We sped down Katipunan. It was like one of those scenes in those stereotypical teen flicks, where they swerve through traffic at speeds they shouldn't be driving at. The first few times I rode with Maku, I silently held onto the chair for dear life. This time, however, I just leaned back as the wind whirred through the half open window of the back seat, my hair whipping against my face as we blurred down the road towards UP. I don't know what it is about driving fast that seems to make all your worries go away. I guess it's like driving away from it all, or driving fast enough so that we somehow leave them behind. Or maybe it's just the wind rushing through the windows, combing through our hair, brushing against our skin, that somehow comforts us. Ironically, it's this comfort that usually ends up in some sort of tragic accident.
February is proving to be one of those tiring months. Nothing eventful has really been happening, though. I guess it's just a mixture of the daily grind getting to me again and my personal dissatisfaction. Everyday is just like every other day, and sometimes school can be one of the loneliest places. Home should be the place where I get to do the things I enjoy and get some rest, but more often than not, I cram homework and fall asleep without actually getting any decent rest in the end. Mum wants to kick me out of the house because I'm such a log. I've to be more independent. I've to start driving (for real) and doing things like exercising. I'm still so young, but my life seems so mediocre. Can mediocrity be tiring? I don't get to do anything anymore.
I got the results from the x-ray I had a few weeks back. I've Spondylosis, a back condition. It's not that serious, but I frequently experience back pains, and I'm restricted from activities that put direct strain on my back. Spondylosis is something you get when you're old though. I'm only 18. This has somehow shattered the false idea of my health that I've had for the longest time. I rarely get sick, and I'm fairly athletic (or used to be, at least) so I always thought that I must be healthy. Recent trips to the doctor have shed light on the truths of my health, and I'm not as healthy as I thought I was.
Valentine's day, like last year, seemed like any other day, except for the sudden abundance of flower vendors. I really didn't expect anything to happen, since it'd be nearly impossible. One of the cashiers at Wendy's gave me a heart balloon though, even though my purchase wasn't enough to get one for free. I don't know where that balloon is now. I didn't mind all the girls walking around with bouquets in hand, but I guess I could say that I was a bit jealous. Haha! Insert shallowness here plz. Honestly, though I don't need flowers, it would have felt nice to receive one. I got a card from Ryan the day after Valentine's though. It was just a small card, but it came with pictures of signs with our names on them. I plan on writing him back one of these days.
I went out with Gela today. I don't know what possessed me, but I dressed up. We met up with Racine, and went to Eastwood to watch Music and Lyrics with Convi. Ate at McDo, then went to the cinemas to buy tickets. The screening we were hoping to catch was sold out though, so as soon as Maku came, we decided to go to the UP fair instead. We ate at Pancake house before going though, because Maku was starving. Walked to Maku's car, and sped down Katipunan to UP. Bummed around while listening to Brownman Revival. Joked multiple times about getting stabbed for no reason (mainly because I know nothing about UP). Then moved back to the car while Maku and Racine slept. I lied down at the back seat while Convi and Gela were outside. Nearly was eaten by mosquitoes. Convi kept on trying to steal my boots, and in turn I kicked him and got his jacket dirty. Eventually, Gela's ride came and we went home. Though not that much happened, it was ok.
Tomorrow, I've no idea what the family plans. I've to go to Pasig though, to attend the baptism of a close friend's son (Jab, to be exact). I don't know how I'm going to get there yet. Or what I should wear, or anything. I hope all goes well though. I promised that I'd go waaay back, and I wouldn't want to break that promise now.
I'm almost somewhere.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Handball! D:
Listening to: Vienna Teng ~ Drought
Do I post like an emo kid? :c
When I woke up this morning, I seriously couldn't get out of bed. *groan* I was just sooo groggy. The day before had been my PE day, and my PE class wasn't exactly friendly . XD Because we missed all our PE classes for January, we were forced to start our 'championship' games among the teams of our class. We were the last game for the day, and I was given the task of goalkeeper. Did I tell you my PE is Handball? So. XD I endured getting miniature volleyballs thrown at me. It was ok at first; since most of my classmates are girls, they don't throw that hard. Or so I thought. XD I've a few bruises now. They exploited my height though, so the team we were playing against was able to score. Finally we were at a tie, and our professor announced that the next goal would determine the winner. Well, one of them threw the ball at me, and I turned to block it. It bounced off the goal post, however, and I ended up getting smacked in the face. x_x;; Actually, my first concern was my glasses, because before I fell to the floor, I saw them fall, and I was scared that they broke. Which would break my heart because I absolutely love my orange glasses. Luckily they didn't, and as they helped me up I kept on laughing with Coco. XD It reminded us of all the misadventures we had in our Football class last sem.
So back to this morning, I tried to wake up at 6, but I ended up getting out of bed at like.. 9? Which was reeeeeeeeeeeaally bad because I was supposed to pick up my recommendation form from Sir Pabs at 7-8am. >_<
We attended a forum on the upcoming elections today from 1-5pm at the TARC, with Benjamin Abalos as guest speaker. Well. I didn't like it that much. XD He spoke mostly of the controversies that surrounded the COMELEC, and instead of sounding like he was speaking to enlighten us, it sounded more like he was speaking to outright defend himself. I don't like Politics in general, but I know I can't avoid it. I would have skipped it (and gone to Shang with Gela and Cai!) but I've to submit a reaction paper on it tomorrow.
Just before the promo ended, I was able to get my hands on a Starbucks planner! <3 (Which is funny, considering that I don't even drink coffee) I was actually really worried that I wouldn't get enough stickers; three days before the end date of the promo, I still had to fill up 5 stickers for the specialty drinks. And I don't drink coffee. So I was pretty close to accepting defeat, until some of my friends pitched in and gave me their receipts and willingly drank coffee for me. XD (Thank you Mike, Mai, Ate Ria, Chase, Dee, Uncle Aldo :D) Now I've been more or less obsessed with filling it up (as what happens with most new planner owners). There are pages for December and January that I wasn't able to use though, so now I'm just filling it up with all sorts of stuff. Drawings and doodles and random thoughts and stickers and stuff. It's the scrapbook maker in me coming out. XD I hope I can stick it out to the end of the year, so when I use it all up I can flip through the pages and laugh my heart out. :p I'll take pictures when it starts to fill itself up.
The Flame has finally come out! And guess what's on the back~
That's right, boys and girls. My artwork. *proud* Haha! Not a lot of people know that I was the one that made it, but that's ok; I've been hearing a lot of comments about it so I still feel really good about it. :D
Aside from that, I bought myself another pair of Chucks. *spoiled*
This is actually the first pair of shoes that I've bought with my own money. Well, mom paid for it, but I'm supposed to pay her back. I don't actively shop anymore (because I don't go out D: ) so I thought hey, why not.
Ginno wants to buy me a pet rabbit. X3 I honestly don't know if I can take care of one, but I'm open to the idea. :D I'm trying to find out more about how rabbits are as pets, so I can decide from there.
Random thought: It's ironic that I'm part of a grammar Nazi LJ community when I'm horrible at spelling. O_o
I'm also thinking of moving over to LJ. So I can comment whore. XD Yay or nay? Nay? Nay? Hr. I love Blogger so much though.
HAH. I FOUND YOU GING! <3 For those of you who don't know, Ging is one of my blockmates who I aaaaaaabsolutely love hugging every morning. :D We just hug until we both run out of energy from hugging. XD Anyway, she read my post that I was stalking people on LJ, and she challenged me to find her. >:3 Of course I was like 'Hah, you challenge me, the girl who once had the patience, determination and sense of having-nothing-better-to-do to find the Friendster account of her crush while only knowing his first name?!' Well Gingy. I found you~ :p
I'm almost somewhere.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Ignorance is bliss
Listening to: Incubus ~ Dig
So it's 3:30 in the morning and.. I'm still up. Given that I've been tired for the past few months, (yes, months) I find this pretty surprising. And guess what I'm doing? I'm stalking people. Be it LiveJournal, Friendster (not so much now that I'm not on that anonymous viewing option), Multiply or DeviantArt. Mostly LiveJournal though, since I can stalk there without leaving evidence of my stalk-age. You'd think that somehow, I'd be content with all the things that are happening in my life to not concern myself with what's happening in the lives of the brother of my online friend or the female friend of a former friend or someone I thought was somewhat interesting in a community, but no! I read, and I stalk, and I click and click and click. I wonder if I'm just genuinely curious, or if I'm just chismosa. Actually, nix that. I have to be genuinely curious. I'm too clueless to be chismosa. Or I'm something completely different.
Anyway. So much for my resolution to update my blog every week.
I took the ACET two weeks ago. I was actually supposed to meet up with a guildmate there before the exam itself, but we never got to coordinate, so I had no idea who to look for. The ACET itself was ok; I think I did a much better job than when I took the ACET two years ago. Which is a good thing, considering I was Waitlisted then. Unlike last time, I was able to answer everything. Even if I shotgunned Math. Math will always be a bitch in my book. I'm more or less confident about the rest of the exam though. :) Still, I've to wait until the second week of Feb for the results, and I can't be too sure about anything until then.
After the ACET was my exams. I didn't do much except for bum around and study. Well, I don't think I did much because I can't remember anything from then. x3 I'm so forgetful, not that I don't blog as often as I used to.
Last Thursday I got sick at school after eating at ChowKing. I'm never eating at ChowKing Dapitan again. It was a very unpleasant experience. Vomitting is.. blargh. It's a good thing Coco convinced me to go home; I was thinking of attending the rest of my classes because Thursday is one of my busiest days, with classes from 1pm to 7pm with no break. But once I got home, I found out the class was dismissed early, and everyone went home without doing much.
On Friday, I skipped classes because I went to the hospital for a check up. The Medical Technician there had a hard time extracting blood from my arm, and ended up fishing around my with the needle for my vein. TWICE. Grawlekfjlaskjdf. He finally called the doctor, and she tried to get blood from my wrist. She didn't get much, though. Apparently, my veins have shrunken in size since the last time I was there. Which was when I had that little 'accident' with the Amoxicillin. ~_~ Later in the evening though, I went out to Eastwood with Gela, Cai, and Racine. It was a last minute thing, so Gretchen and Kari weren't able to come with. :( Well, most of the time when we have last minute gimmicks, it's us four who're usually the ones allowed to go out. Often my parents don't even ask where I'm going, just as long as I have transpo. XD Which has led to me feeling like a transpo leech because someone always has to take me home. >_<
Recently I've been getting sick, with colds, headaches, loss of appetite and general fatigue. I honestly think its partially caused by the schedule I have at school. A lot of times I'm forced to skip lunch or eat late lunch because my classes are all one after the other, with no break in between. This has led to me either:
1) skipping lunch
2) skipping dinner because I ate late lunch
I used to skip meals every once in a while, but since it's became more and more frequent, my body is finally starting to reel from the consequences. I actually skipped dinner last night, and right now my tummy is complaining. I know a lot of people are going to hit me now for skipping dinner. x_o
Somehow I think it's also affected by how I've been feeling emotionally. Well, things haven't been carefree for the past few months.
A few weeks ago I found out that my uncle Dondon was dying. The first time I met uncle Dondon was when his wife died, and my dad, being a close friend of his, brought us to the wake. That was the first time I met him. Since then, he's been a reoccurring character in our lives, often taking us out for dinner, always being at the parties we go to, showing up at the house for house dinners. He was even at my debut. I've sooo many uncles, but he's one of the uncle's whose name I actually know. Recently, he was diagnosed with having tumors growing in his liver, and some other stuff which I'm not sure of. What I did understand was that he had pretty much less than a year to live. It's just so sad that he's dying. I mean, sure, he's lived his life, had a family, become a judge, but even so, even if you're already old, it doesn't mean that you've less right to live. No one's told him, actually. But we all know he's not dumb. There are other issues that have also laid a heavy burden on my shoulders, but I'd rather not discuss them here. At one point, I just crawled up on the floor and started crying. Well, the futon was laid out, so it wasn't that bad. I cried for a good, long while. It actually felt a bit good, releasing all that pent up negative energy. I wish I could cry in a positive way more often. If that's possible. The other recent times I've cried were because of:
1) fear of crowds and hormonal imbalance and
2) embarrassment.
I actually wish I would 'feel' more; more intensely, more passionately maybe, so that my negative emotions like anger and sadness and other more complex emotions would freely flow out of me instead of getting stuck somewhere on the way out, or instead of me locking it up somewhere. On the contrary, all my positive emotions flow out so fast that they're like fleeting moments. It's so weird. In the end, I feel emotionally everywhere, cut up into little pieces and scattered around the ground for the pigeons and the birds and given to people, and everyday is a decision of whether to be with people because they can somehow complete me, or I withdraw because I feel incomplete.
Let's suddenly change topic.
I've actually thought if my life was an insanely more complex version of The Sims. What if my life was being 'played' by a higher being; not necessarily God, but still possibly God, and I had this neon green diamond like thing floating above my head that only that being could see. But the commands were so complex and intricate, that only a higher being like he would be able to control, and we, as characters in this 'game', would know nothing about our simulated reality, which would be simulated for him but real for us. Are we really free? Or are we created with preset ambitions and characteristics; our actions controlled without our knowledge? Strange and somewhat out of character. You can blame this sudden line of thought on the movie Waking Life. Despite the fact that I'm currently doing horribly in Philosophy and I usually don't understand most of it, I still find it infinitely interesting. That is, when I do understand it. The movie tackled so many ideas; it was like a film of monologues and dialogs. One idea would be explained by one character, then the camera would pan, and set on another set of characters, discussing a completely different topic. Lucid dreams, reality, free will, theory and action, holy moments, and shared consciousness were a few terms. Now I want to find a DVD or a VCD of the movie so I can watch it again at my own pace and understand it. Is it possible that we're all living in an interconnected dream, each of us at a different layer of reality, based on the perception of each person? Given that the mind is an infinite source... anything is possible. I could be dead, and I'm 'living' in a repeating dream. At least one thing is certain; I exist. Well, I think. But I must exist then, because if I think, I exist; right?
Change topic again.
Drama. Sometimes I'm surprised at all the drama that happens right under my nose in our classroom. If I hadn't talked with Coco and Anj today, I would have remained clueless about a lot of issues that are slowly tearing our 'barkada' apart. That is, if we're still a barkada. Ignorance really is bliss; not knowing something's wrong and thinking that everything is ok. Then again, it can easily lead to one's own demise. Honestly though, I think what's happening is stupid. It's like.. a soap opera! Not like I watch them, but hey, they all follow a general theme. I know I can't avoid being involved, since I'm directly connected to those involved in the first place, but I don't want to meddle in things that I don't have any say. If things continue to go downhill from here, then I'll butt in. And I won't take any BS from anyone. Coco told me that the reason that I don't have any direct issues with anyone is because most people are afraid/intimidated by me. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
It's now 5:30. Time to dream.
I'm almost somewhere.
