- find out what I want in life
- this moment to happen
- be a Dean's List-er
- learn how to ride a motorcycle
- go skydiving
- go scuba diving
- make my own blog layout
- learn how to use Flash
- travel more
- improve my drawing skills
- go to a Flea market
- a Tarot Card Deck
- fashion sense
- femme outfits
- witty t-shirts
- vintage clothes and accessories
- make my own clothes!
- go on a shopping spree
- contribute to WWF
- a DSLR
- bake something
- A CAR
- A CAR THAT I CAN DRIVE - an underwater camera
- cosplay again
- visit my online friends
- stop being a safeist
Of the Infinitely Interesting Listening to: Gnarls Barkley ~ Crazy
Here's to two months and a day. :) Happy Monthsary.
Ria now knows that a pack of Bagoon only needs two mugs of hot water, not four.
It's now 2 in the morning, and I think Ginno fell asleep while doing his HW. *checks her YM and sees that he's been idle for an hour and a half* X3 I, on the other hand, can't sleep.
Where exactly did I go, for two weeks? I haven't been showing my face around anywhere lately, except for maybe in RF, but that's only so often. I've been hiding. I've been trying to recover. I just don't have any motivation whatsoever to do the things I used to do so fervently, like blogging and chatting and whatnot. Actually, I've written a few posts in my notebooks, but by the time I get home, it's as if what I wrote doesn't apply anymore. Like everything was different from when I was writing that particular post. Now everything that happened in the past two weeks seems so lost to me. Well, not entirely, since I managed to write down the more important things.. I'll get to that later.
To put it simply, I've been pretty depressed for the past two weeks. Until now, actually. I'd like to think that this is just my hormones screwing me over, but it hasn't been this bad for a long while. And I can tell that it's bad because the people around me are starting to point it out to me. Even my mom asked me if I was ok. They say that a mother can see right through her child/children, but most of the time I get by without letting my mom notice the dark, ominous clouds that frequently hover about my head. Despite the fact that she barely sees me nowadays, she still noticed. That's not good, in my book.
Sunday is so far the worst day I've had in a long time. Nothing actually went wrong. Technically, everything went just fine. But when I got home, all I could do was sit in my computer chair and cry. The fact that the whole of last week was utter crap had dawned on me. I hadn't done anything. I wasn't eating right. Either I was eating too much or I wasn't eating at all, until I felt like I was about to pass out. At one point I nearly did, in front of this PC. Luckily I had a pack of peanut butter Creams in my bag, and that got me through the night. I kept on questioning myself. More than I ever have before. My personality, my principles, my attitude, everything. Was there something I needed to change in who I was? Do people genuinely like me? What do people really think about me? What do people think of how I act with those I care about? These are questions I never really bothered myself with, because I didn't have a reason to be bothered by them. Generally, everyone seemed to like me for who I was. If there were those who didn't, well, I never knew about it, so it never posed a problem for me. I actually didn't care if people didn't like me for who I was. It's like what Dr. Seuss said:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
There was no one I needed to impress. There was no one whose acceptance I felt I needed. This changed, though. And this is the reason why I'm in this rut at the moment. Still, I'm sure there are some people who like me as I am. :)
"I love you. And you know that. I'd always accept you for who you are, or who you may be. X3"
<3 Thanks, hun. :)
Here's the post I wrote 6 days ago, in one of my school notebooks. (I've 3, lol.)
I had a wonderful weekend last weekend. Even though it was pretty chaotic, I had a lovely time with Ginno at my house. We ate strawberry pocky, and he brought me a pack of Choc-nut along with Turtle. He brought the Choc-nut because I told him that in my entire stay in this country, I've never eaten Choc-nut. Kinda freaky, but true. They're still on my desk; I don't know if I should break my record or not.
Auntie Susan, Louie, and Dillon were there too. On the same night, Uncle Julie and Auntie Janine came, and a few days after they had arrived, Auntie Susan and my two cousins left, only to be replaced by Auntie Evan and Ysmaelle. Starting today though, life will return to normal, as our relatives have evacuated our house for the sanctuary of some spiffy hotels.
I've been out of the loop since Monday. Explains why I've been missing online lately. I've been trying to keep myself busy to keep my mind off of a lot of things, but honestly, it's not going too well. One thing that keeps on disrupting my train of thought is 'You reap what you sow.'We are responsible for what we do. We must face the consequences of our actions. This is actually the first time I've been hit this hard by this particular saying. There are a number of things I know that I am at fault for, but I can't dwell on these things as I'll just drive myself as well as others insane.
It's ironic how we fall victim to the very things we are told, taught, trained, and repeatedly reminded not to do, or to be careful of. I remember this one time when my dad handed me a razor after I asked for it. I needed it to cut some loose threads from the bag I had brought with me at the time. My dad told me to be careful, and I rolled my eyes, thinking, 'Geez, I'm not that stupid.', but the next thing I knew I had blood dripping from one of my fingers. It's moments like these that make you realize that, damn, I am stupid, and you don't know whether to curse or thank the universe for conspiring against you in order to teach you a lesson.
There's actually a few more paragraphs after that, but it's a bunch of crap. Let's just leave it there for now, since it's already 4 in the morning and I have other things to blog about.
Belated Happy Birthday to Racine. :) We went to Laguna on Saturday, and had a lot of fun there swimming and singing. Also watched FMA and ate too much. Still fun. =p I wish Ginno could have come, although I've no idea how we would have fit in the car. XP
Remember I applied for The Flame, the official publication of the Faculty of Arts and Letters? (Hahaha, how barfish-ly formal.) Well, I got the results last week via text, and I got in. I'm the only layout/graphics applicant that passed. I'm not sure if I'm the only applicant, though. Lol. I'm not sure when I'm officially a Flame-r (lol), I guess I'll just have to wait for official announcements.
Ok, it's 4:30am. I've class until 7pm, so if I want to retain my sanity throughout all my classes I should try and sleep now..
Maybe you're feeling down because you want to do so much in your life, but you never seem to be able to motivate yourself. I get that a lot too.
Well, you're not the only one. Over the last few months, the question I most often ask myself is "How could I have been so stupid?"
I kept on questioning myself. More than I ever have before. My personality, my principles, my attitude, everything. Was there something I needed to change in who I was?
I realized that something is wrong with me. I was really emo about it for months. Slowly I realized I would never get over it if I just kept crying. So I'm doing something about it now. I still have doubts, sometimes. I don't think they ever go away for anybody. But they can be kept to the minimum.
i'm glad you had fun last saturday. :D gah, i would've asked you to sit on ginno's lap if he'd come along. XD
i don't like choc-nut. i used to eat it all the time when i was a kid, then i got tired of it. nasuya ako. XD (i hope you know what that word means XD)
congrats on getting in (to) the newsletter staff...ish. XD
i'm pretty neurotic, so down days come every so often... generally i don't feel so good in the evening, because that's when i begin to feel that i've wasted another day yet again, and also partly because i get hit by the insecurity bug. X3
i think we all wonder about how people see us; i mean, we're social animals - we can't get on w/o other people, so it's important that we know that our relationships aren't compromised. so it's normal to be in that kind of rut sometimes... just don't let it take over your life, okay?
hey, i don't think we'd all be friends for so long if we all didn't know each other inside out, including all the bad stuff. it's okay. no one's forcing you to change (or not to change). just do what you think you have to do, and we'll understand. it's your life. :P
well, none of us is perfect. we all make mistakes, and learn from them, usually the hard way. just hope you see that you're not the only one who goes through this kinda thing.
hope my comment made sense. XD *hugs* take care always. :D