AlmØst SØmewhere : Stolen Glances

Saturday, July 29, 2006

So you had a bad day...

Listening to: Nothing

It's now two am on Saturday. Would you believe that I just woke up?

Friday was just blah. I woke up at 6, but got out of bed at 8. First thing I did when I got to school was to go to the gym so I could talk with Professor Erese about the incomplete grade she gave me last semester. So Coco and I walked across campus, and we found her at the swimming pool. She told me to get a completion form and to submit it to her before Prelims. (Prelims are on the second week of August.) So I figured I'd swipe a completion form from the Dean's office and submit it to Prof. Erese at the end of my class. I went to the Dean's office, and found out that they didn't release completion forms to students; the professors were the ones who got the completion forms for the students, supposedly. Knowing that the professors aren't really that nice to do that for students, I decided that there must be something else I had to do to get a completion form, and decided that I'd have to go back to Prof. Erese after class to ask her about it.

I slept through NatSci. I don't think Prof. Garcia saw me, because she didn't say anything about me. I fell asleep in Fil1, and I got caught by Prof. Atalia, because I'm silly enough to forget that I'm completely within his sight. At first I was worried, since Fil is a subject I can't fool around with, but then I realized that at that moment in time, I didn't really care that much. I nearly fell asleep again, after that. Prof. Dalangin came late, so I took the opportunity to go outside into the corridor and sit there. It was cold as usual inside the classroom, so I sought refuge outside. I was followed by Joseph, Ging, and Dgae, asking if I was alright. I told them I was just sleepy. So we all just sat outside, talking about how it must be if you had 9 siblings. (Ging has 9 siblings.) I told her it must be nice; her house must be chaotic in a fun way. There's always something happening; it's not stagnant like how it is at my house. Anyway, Sir Dalangin came and we all went back inside. Took a quiz about chapters 6-8, then continued to listen to the lecture about chapter 9. Sir told us that our Prelims would only cover up to chapter 10, so I realized that I'd be reporting chapter 11 next semester. Sir became so engrossed with discussing chapter 9 that the reporter for chapter 10 wasn't able to report. Which is a good thing, in a way; I was supposed to finish my paper on chapter 10 on Thursday, but never got around to it. After we were dismissed, Coco shared her lunch with me and we ate in the classroom while everyone else went upstairs to the computer lab. Mick and I went up soon after, while Coco and Joseph took care of some other business. Computer was easy. Basic HTML. Ma'am showed us a simple webpage via projector, and had us copy it just by looking at it. I finished early, and was allowed to just bum around online. Then we were dismissed.

Coco went with Fred, her Chorale mate to get some papers photocopied, so I decided to go to Prof. Erese on my own. I think I spent around 15 minutes just looking for her in the gym annex. I went to the faculty room, and they told me she was a the pool. So I went to the pool, but she wasn't there. Walked around a bit, and I still couldn't find her. So I looked for the caretaker of the pool and asked him if he knew where she was. He told me she was at the faculty. So I trudged back to the PE Faculty room, and lo and behold, there she was. I found out that I had to go to the Main Building Accounting office to get myself a completion form. So from the Gym, I made my way to the Accounting office. I waited in line for a bit and told the lady there that I was there to request for a completion form. She redirected me to the Registrar. So I went to the Registrar. Waited in line for a bit. Then asked the guy there if that was where I could get myself a completion form. He redirected me to the Information Desk. So I went to the Information Desk and asked for the nth time if that was where I could get a completion form. I had told myself by then that if I got redirected again, I was just going to do everything on Monday. Luckily, that was where I could get it. Well, I didn't actually get the form. The Information Desk was where I could get a request form for the completion form. The guy told me that I had to go back to the Accounting office to pay to request for a completion form. Extortionists. So Accounting office. Waited in line. Paid 50 pesos. So then I had a reciept for a request for a completion form. I asked the teller if I needed to do anything else to get myself a completion form. According to her, I just had to go to the Dean's office and show the reciept in order to get one. So I walked to the AB building. By now it was around 4pm. I went to the second floor and to the Dean's office. The guy at the Dean's Office gave me a weird look as I told him I was there for a completion form. (It was a different guy from earlier in the day) He asked me if I was sure that I was told to get a completion form there and I reassured him that Yes, I was there to get a completion form. Yes, I was told to get it here. Yes, I paid for everything. So I got three completion forms. I sat outside and wondered if I should go back to the gym. And I thought screw it, I'll just finish this on Monday. So I text Caitlin, asking her if the video shoot scheduled for the day was going to push through. Apparently, her class started at 3, and mine ended at 3, so I wondered how in the world we'd be able to do the video. I waited for 30min before she replied. She had class. So I decided to go home.

By then it was 4:30pm, so I was pretty sure that I'd have a hell of a time trying to get a ride home. Luckily, I was able to snag an SM Fairview FX. As we neared Don Antonio, I could see dark, ominous clouds the hung overhead. I hoped it wouldn't rain. I didn't want to have to whip out my umbrella. The FX driver dropped me off at the other side of the street, across from Shell. So I had to take the overpass to the other side. I nearly fell down the stairs. I was able to grab onto the fence before I did though. As I walked to Select, it started to drizzle. I was too tired to run to the car. So I got wet in the rain. Then we went home. That morning, I had asked my mum if we could go to Ever so I could finally get my roots dyed so she could stop bugging me about it, but since we went straight home, I figured that mum had forgotten about it. Got home. First thing mum did when I got home was to scold me for being a horrible host to my godsister and brother. I was selfish to stay locked up in my room all the time. I was pretty frustrated by then, so I yelled back. 'Gee mom, thanks for making my day a lot worse. If you don't mind, I'm going to go to my room and bitch about it now, ok? Thanks.' I ran up to my room and locked the door. Mum followed, and asked me what was wrong. I broke down and started to cry. She asked me if I had fought with a professor, or with a classmate. I told her no. She asked me if I was getting bad grades, and I told her that I wouldn't know. She asked me if someone had physically assaulted me, and I told her that she should know by now that if anyone tried I'd seriously beat the shit out of them. So she asked me what it was, and I told her that things had just stacked up, and that I was just really tired. She didn't believe me, but I refused to tell her anything else other than that. I was tired. And things had stacked up. So there. So she left me, telling me that she was only a text away, if ever I wanted to tell her.

I went online for a while. I wanted to take a shower, but there was no water. So I waited for the water. I played a bit of RO. Talked with Justin a bit. Then I left my PC and went to my mum's room and watched some TV. By 7:45, there was still no water. So I went back to my room and stayed there. The whir of the PC fan was annoying me (it gets pretty loud if I don't use the AC) so I turned it off, and figured that I'd turn it back on later. I wasn't doing anything online anyway. So I bummed on my bed. And I fell asleep.

I'm still in my school uniform. I haven't eaten dinner, nor have I taken that shower of mine. I should go do so now.

{/2:03 AM} - { 2 }

I'm almost somewhere.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Crash~

Listening to: Stereophonics ~ Have a Nice Day

Entry was supposed to be for last night, but complications made it impossible to post then. So I post now. =p Block quote time! XD

People seem to always crash the house. Right now we're harboring a godparent of mine from the states, along with her two kids; my godsister and godbrother. My godsister is 15, and my godbrother is 17. o: Right now one is sleeping, and the other is watching Kill Bill downstairs. XD

It's raining again. o: If this keeps up, I won't have school tomorrow. o_o; I'm supposed to have PE tomorrow, but it was cancelled, because the faculty members of the whole of UST have this General Assembly thingie going on. So Coco and I plan on going to school early so we can go to SM San Lazaro. XD Which reminds me, I still have to talk to my PE professor from last sem, regarding the incomplete grade she gave me for missing my finals. D: Grararar.

I spent most of the day helping Ginno get to 99. Which he did. :D Thank you, Biolabs. XD Now Yrael is next. X3; Will Yrael ever become a high priestess? I sure do hope so. o_o; If I want it to happen (which I do) I'll have to work for it, like I have to work for the other things that I want. Patience and hard work, patience and hard work, patience and hardwork.. X3

My middle finger on my left hand hurts. D: I had my blood sugar levels checked at school today; they were doing it for free. So me, being me, I went up to the trainee nurses and put myself under their mercy. X3; After a few questions, they started to disinfect my finger. I watched as she picked up a plastic tube and placed it near the tip of my finger. "=S You're going to prick me now, aren't yo-- OW" LOL. =)) I got the results a few moments later, and well, at least my levels are regular. :3

Ginno told me about this guy his mom knows, and I just got to thinking..

Sometimes when we think of drug addicts and rugby boys and stuff, we think that these people don't do anything to help themselves; that they wallow in their problems without caring of how they'll solve them. Sometimes we even think that, they deserve what they get, because it is their fault why they resorted to what they do in the first place. A lot of times, it's easier to scorn these people rather than to sympathize with them. It's easier to blame them for what's become of them rather than to help them change. Just thinking about how lonely these people must feel gets me teary eyed. It must be so hard feeling alone. I take great comfort in knowing that I'm surrounded by many people who love me, people who care for me, people who will be strong for me when I can't be strong, people who will won't mind hugging me all the time; people who will never give up on me. I can't imagine how it must feel to be without that comfort; to feel horribly alone. One can't help but wonder why a person has to endure something as painful as that. I guess not all people are strong. Not everyone can bring it upon themselves to think positive, to believe that God will get them through everything. I guess that's why we have to lend our own strength to others. A little help can go a long way. To that one particular person; I hope everything goes well for you. You can do it.

And.. the rain has stopped.

Anyway. I've to get ready for school now. X3

I enjoy writing Communication Exercise level blog entries. <3

{/8:52 AM} - { 3 }

I'm almost somewhere.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Rainy Days

Listening to: American Hi-Fi ~ The Rescue

So much for a 5 day weekend. X3 The last two days of school have been cancelled because of the typhoon. It's pretty mean to be hoping for school to be cancelled, given that a lot of other people are suffering because of the reason why school will be cancelled, if ever.. XP Even so, I still don't want to go back to school just yet. =/ But this is still a bad idea, because Prelims are just around the corner, and lost classes means.. less time. XP

Argh. I really hate how I can't access a lot of sites from my PC. >_< It's so annoying. One moment I'm posting on LJ, the next LJ loses my post and refuses to load. I can't even visit the ELEAP site, nor can I browse a lot of forums. GRARALFKJLSFJDFL. And it DCs a lot. I end up using my mum's PC in the end. Which makes me wonder why I bought a PC in the first place. I really think it has something to do with the configuration of my LAN settings, but I know nothing about tinkering with that. Jeth wants me to give him access to my PC so he can tinker with it. No. Just no. XP I'd rather ask Maku or Mike how to make it work. XP

Saturday went really well. :3 I literally spent the whole day with Ginno. XD And I actually got to go around the whole of Shangrila without being scared out of my mind. X3; I actually got there kinda early, and while I was waiting for Ginno, this middle-aged guy came up to me and started talking to me. And I was like, "OMG GINNO WHERE ARE YOU D:" LOL. But the guy wasn't freaky or anything, like the last encounter I had in Shang. He was just being friendly, asking where I studied and stuff.. Still, I wasn't that comfortable, given the experiences I've had. XP But the rest of the day made up for that. <3 Before I went home, he gave me his jacket to wear, and I took it home. X3 I've been wearing it around my room for the past few days, especially since it's been raining, and it's been pretty cold. At one point I fell asleep in it. X3 I'm wearing it now as I type this, actually. =p

I found the funkiest pair of sunglasses in my mom's room the other day. XD I'm sooooo... I dunno, aliw with it. XD I'm not really a sunglasses kind of person (since I wear glasses nearly all the time) but these are just so cute. X3 I'm probably going to vanity-ize in them one of these days, and when I do, I'll post a pic of them two. Speaking of vanity-izing I haven't done that in the longest time. D: Which is why I don't have a recent pic of myself up thar. *points to the upper left of the page*

Ooooh. Headache. Time to sleep. XP

{/10:45 PM} - { 1 }

I'm almost somewhere.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Laid Back

Listening to: Switchfoot ~ The Beautiful Letdown

Yeah. New layout~ <3 It's very <3ful.

Here's an entry I wrote up yesterday: (Ahahah, I'm just looking for an excuse to use block quotes XD)

I miss my purple sign pen. I'm writing in my notebook now; it's English, the lights are out and someone is monotonously droning on in the front.

I woke up at a quarter to six. I had fallen asleep on top of my bed; my socks were on, the aircon was off and the lights were on. Surprisingly, I didn't wake up with any cramps, something that usually comes with falling asleep on your tummy. Instead, I was quite comfy. I actually didn't want to get out of bed. That was until I realized I had PE at seven, and in order to get there in time, I needed to leave at six. I stole a pair of Jeth's shorts, and stuffed what I needed for PE into a duffle bag. I grabbed a white shirt from my closet, changed, and went downstairs for breakfast.

I got to watch the news a bit (CNN plz), and it's really sad to see what's going on between Israel and Lebanon. The land of Jesus Christ's birth is at war... =/ It's sad; really, really sad.

PE with Coco was fun, but muddy. I got mud all over myself; my shoes, my shorts, my shirt; my legs, my arms, and my forehead. And my chest, because of Coco. X3 Learning how to control a soccer ball with your body is messy business. At least I won't have to steal shorts from Jeth anymore, as I finally have my PE uniform. While we were getting our uniforms, I heard one of my teammates talking with her friends. A few seconds after, I felt blood trickling from my ears. She was sooooo conyo. Like way way way way worse than Kari. (Is that even possible?! XD) It was that bad. Coco heard her too, and she looked at me. "I would have killed you by now if you spoke like that. XP" I shrugged and smiled. Then these guys came out from the pool area towards the showers in their towels, and some of the other girls we were with started making cat calls. @_@ I laughed at the ridiculousness of it all, and promtly turned around, my back facing them. Geez. XP

Took a shower and headed for FrioMixx with Ags and Coco for lunch. I learned about some issues that were floating around our block, and I got pretty ticked off. More on that later. I fell asleep and woke upjust before we left. We went to the AB building, and stayed there until classes started.

In FrioMixx, I learned that the issue that was left for dead last semester is still very much alive. I thought it was gone, until a few days ago. So far they've only directly gone after Coco and Jz. I haven't experienced anything targeted at me, but part of me wants to dare them to try. It pisses me off to think that even until now they're still being so immature. Even more so that they're going after my friends. I don't want to go after them without knowing everything, though. I might just make things worse. Then again, they seem like people who only learn things the hard way.

Another thing I learned this week; never ever sleep on the bus. A few days ago, I found out that a male friend of mine was molested on a bus whil he was sleeping. He just woke up to find an old man sitting next to him, the hand of the old man inside the zipper of his pants. o_o;; More reason to be paranoid while commuting...

Hay... so many people in my block are a bunch of plastic faced twats. Arrrrrrgh.

As for today, nothing really happened. The day just zipped by. I finalized my plans for tomorrow with my mum, and I'm going out with Ginno. :3 Can't waaaaait. <3 Somehow, being away from each other makes the anticipation of seeing each other again a lot greater. X3 It's like lovely torture, if you ask me. I guess this is how it really is. :P

I went out to Tita Nora's place at Woodside Homes for dinner. I didn't want to go, actually, but I haven't seen her for a while, and the last time I talked with her she wanted to see me, so I decided to go. Besides that, if I didn't go, I wouldn't get any dinner. X3; It was actually a small gathering, with my uncles there aside from us. We ate dinner, and I bummed around the park with my brother. They didn't have swings tho. XO So I went to the pool and stayed there. I took a few vanity shots before I was joined by my rents and my aunt, and soon everyone else. I went back to the park, and stayed there by my lonesome. Aw, emo. XD I was pretty senti. X3 My sentiness caused me to get stuck in the park as it started to rain. XD I hid under a tree until the rain passed. Soon I was tired and I fell asleep until it was time to go home. X3

I haven't been doing much online. I've been neglecting some of my online duties, such as blogging and foruming and ~~playing~~. XD *cough* Online duty pala ung playing. XD But yeah, I don't get to do that much anymore. I just have to fix my time so that I can do everything.

I've got to get my rear in gear. X3

{/11:58 PM} - { 2 }

I'm almost somewhere.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Feeling a tad bit Sentimental, aye.

Listening to:Zero7 ~ Destiny

I miss my girls. ;_;

I miss Ginno. X3

Grarlkjglaskdjfoiwfhalskdjfsa.

I believe I've found myself a new layout. :D But since it's 2am, I'll upload it when I get home later.

Hay. I really don't have the motivation to study. Which is very, very bad. If I'm to get myself into Ateneo, I have to study. For some reason, I feel so stuck in the daily grind that my goal of transferring is overshadowed. There is actually no guarantee that I'll be any happier in Ateneo, but.. it's worth a shot. Earlier, I was sitting in the classroom, eating a tuna sandwich I bought with Coco in Seven-Eleven, and I was just looking at my friends. Even though everything is pretty shitty when it comes to school, they still look happy, in one way or another. They're content with where they are. (I'm not implying that this is a bad thing, ah.) What exactly is it that makes a person satisfied? It's this level at which we are content that somehow separates us from one another. If we aren't satisfied with something, we seek something better. This level, it doesn't exactly mean that if it's higher the person will get farther in life. It just plays a role in our lives, affecting what we do and what we strive to do. Where we are and who we're with. It's just one of the more stable attributes of our lives that, when mixed with the uncertainty of life and circumstance, can give out a multitude of results. Some people who strive so hard to acheive their dreams sacrifice everything only to fall short of what they were working for. Some leave it all to chance, and in the end, everything works out without a hitch. Everything we do is a risk. Choosing to strive for more is a risk. Choosing to tolerate what you have is a risk. Choosing to be content with what is going on is a risk. Every risk is a decision.

I just realized that, even though I make the decisions in my life, I'm not actually in control of it. Before, I found it hard to mix the words Fate and Free will. When someone asked me if I believed in Fate, I would often give mixed answers. Sometimes I'd say yes, sometimes I'd say no. Sometimes I'd say I'd rather think that I was the one in control of my life, not just some unknown entity called Fate. But in truth, they work hand in hand. We make a decision based on our free will, and destiny rolls the die, presenting us with situations and circumstances, prompting us to make another decision based on what is given to us. Add to that the circumstances caused by the free will of others. It's like a big web wherein we're all connected, affecting each other, colliding and altering each other's Fates.

After that long, philosophical paragraph, I go back to the topic of college and decisions. There is no guarantee that I'll be happy in Ateneo, or that I'll even make it into the Ateneo. But I have to try. I have to.

Moving on.. I want to have a burning session. One of these days, we have to plan this. There are a number of things I'd like to burn. Offer them to the great beyond, so that it'll be done and over with. Some might think of it as overly symbolic. Why burn them when you can just cut them up or tear them up or something? I suppose. But I'm still a chick, so symbolism still plays a big role in my life.

I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 2 with Coco and Ags this morning. It was pretty good. Uber hanging though. It'd be pretty cool being a pirate. Eating babies and sailing the seven seas. Too bad they didn't like women on their ships. Sexist pigs. (LOL) Such a carefree life; drinking rum all day, beating the shit out of fellow pot-bellied drunkards at night. Moving from port to port, ransaking, heart-breaking, stealing and recruiting. Black flags with a skull and cross bones. Rifles and hand guns. Wooden ships. Walking the plank. Sabres and eye patches, parrots and wooden legs. A map, a key, and a treasure chest. X marks the spot.

Aye, a pirate's life for me.

{/2:09 AM} - { 2 }

I'm almost somewhere.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Of the Infinitely Interesting

Listening to: Gnarls Barkley ~ Crazy

Here's to two months and a day. :) Happy Monthsary.

Ria now knows that a pack of Bagoon only needs two mugs of hot water, not four.

It's now 2 in the morning, and I think Ginno fell asleep while doing his HW. *checks her YM and sees that he's been idle for an hour and a half* X3 I, on the other hand, can't sleep.

Where exactly did I go, for two weeks? I haven't been showing my face around anywhere lately, except for maybe in RF, but that's only so often. I've been hiding. I've been trying to recover. I just don't have any motivation whatsoever to do the things I used to do so fervently, like blogging and chatting and whatnot. Actually, I've written a few posts in my notebooks, but by the time I get home, it's as if what I wrote doesn't apply anymore. Like everything was different from when I was writing that particular post. Now everything that happened in the past two weeks seems so lost to me. Well, not entirely, since I managed to write down the more important things.. I'll get to that later.

To put it simply, I've been pretty depressed for the past two weeks. Until now, actually. I'd like to think that this is just my hormones screwing me over, but it hasn't been this bad for a long while. And I can tell that it's bad because the people around me are starting to point it out to me. Even my mom asked me if I was ok. They say that a mother can see right through her child/children, but most of the time I get by without letting my mom notice the dark, ominous clouds that frequently hover about my head. Despite the fact that she barely sees me nowadays, she still noticed. That's not good, in my book.

Sunday is so far the worst day I've had in a long time. Nothing actually went wrong. Technically, everything went just fine. But when I got home, all I could do was sit in my computer chair and cry. The fact that the whole of last week was utter crap had dawned on me. I hadn't done anything. I wasn't eating right. Either I was eating too much or I wasn't eating at all, until I felt like I was about to pass out. At one point I nearly did, in front of this PC. Luckily I had a pack of peanut butter Creams in my bag, and that got me through the night. I kept on questioning myself. More than I ever have before. My personality, my principles, my attitude, everything. Was there something I needed to change in who I was? Do people genuinely like me? What do people really think about me? What do people think of how I act with those I care about? These are questions I never really bothered myself with, because I didn't have a reason to be bothered by them. Generally, everyone seemed to like me for who I was. If there were those who didn't, well, I never knew about it, so it never posed a problem for me. I actually didn't care if people didn't like me for who I was. It's like what Dr. Seuss said:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

There was no one I needed to impress. There was no one whose acceptance I felt I needed. This changed, though. And this is the reason why I'm in this rut at the moment. Still, I'm sure there are some people who like me as I am. :)

"I love you. And you know that. I'd always accept you for who you are, or who you may be. X3"

<3 Thanks, hun. :)

Here's the post I wrote 6 days ago, in one of my school notebooks. (I've 3, lol.)

I had a wonderful weekend last weekend. Even though it was pretty chaotic, I had a lovely time with Ginno at my house. We ate strawberry pocky, and he brought me a pack of Choc-nut along with Turtle. He brought the Choc-nut because I told him that in my entire stay in this country, I've never eaten Choc-nut. Kinda freaky, but true. They're still on my desk; I don't know if I should break my record or not.

Auntie Susan, Louie, and Dillon were there too. On the same night, Uncle Julie and Auntie Janine came, and a few days after they had arrived, Auntie Susan and my two cousins left, only to be replaced by Auntie Evan and Ysmaelle. Starting today though, life will return to normal, as our relatives have evacuated our house for the sanctuary of some spiffy hotels.

I've been out of the loop since Monday. Explains why I've been missing online lately. I've been trying to keep myself busy to keep my mind off of a lot of things, but honestly, it's not going too well. One thing that keeps on disrupting my train of thought is 'You reap what you sow.' We are responsible for what we do. We must face the consequences of our actions. This is actually the first time I've been hit this hard by this particular saying. There are a number of things I know that I am at fault for, but I can't dwell on these things as I'll just drive myself as well as others insane.

It's ironic how we fall victim to the very things we are told, taught, trained, and repeatedly reminded not to do, or to be careful of. I remember this one time when my dad handed me a razor after I asked for it. I needed it to cut some loose threads from the bag I had brought with me at the time. My dad told me to be careful, and I rolled my eyes, thinking, 'Geez, I'm not that stupid.', but the next thing I knew I had blood dripping from one of my fingers. It's moments like these that make you realize that, damn, I am stupid, and you don't know whether to curse or thank the universe for conspiring against you in order to teach you a lesson.

There's actually a few more paragraphs after that, but it's a bunch of crap. Let's just leave it there for now, since it's already 4 in the morning and I have other things to blog about.

Belated Happy Birthday to Racine. :) We went to Laguna on Saturday, and had a lot of fun there swimming and singing. Also watched FMA and ate too much. Still fun. =p I wish Ginno could have come, although I've no idea how we would have fit in the car. XP

Remember I applied for The Flame, the official publication of the Faculty of Arts and Letters? (Hahaha, how barfish-ly formal.) Well, I got the results last week via text, and I got in. I'm the only layout/graphics applicant that passed. I'm not sure if I'm the only applicant, though. Lol. I'm not sure when I'm officially a Flame-r (lol), I guess I'll just have to wait for official announcements.

Ok, it's 4:30am. I've class until 7pm, so if I want to retain my sanity throughout all my classes I should try and sleep now..

{/2:01 AM} - { 1 }

I'm almost somewhere.