- find out what I want in life
- this moment to happen
- be a Dean's List-er
- learn how to ride a motorcycle
- go skydiving
- go scuba diving
- make my own blog layout
- learn how to use Flash
- travel more
- improve my drawing skills
- VINTAGE
- go to a Flea market
- a Tarot Card Deck
- fashion sense
- femme outfits
- witty t-shirts
- vintage clothes and accessories
- make my own clothes!
- go on a shopping spree
- contribute to WWF
- a DSLR
- bake something
- A CAR
- A CAR THAT I CAN DRIVE - an underwater camera
- cosplay again
- visit my online friends
- stop being a safeist
- happiness
Retreat...ing? Listening to: Welcome to Paradise ~ Greenday
Let's go to Paradise? I'll never get there.
Ahem.
I just found out that Gretchen got a blog again. She's the person who blookied my tag-board. Her blog makes me worry. At first I didn't get it, until Racine and Cai explained it to me. Heck, I didn't even know that she called me Provenance on her blog instead of my name or alias. I guess it's because I was blazing through her blog when I found it because my mom was breathing down my neck at the time.
Be strong my dear. And I know you're strong. It's confusing, but well, sometimes we have to put up with confusion. Please don't call me a hypocrit for saying that..
Confused. I mean, maybe that's the reason why I act the way I do at school, especially every Thursday and Friday. There's got to be a reason why I'm like that, other than me just being perverted. Even if I do it just for fun, for the yells and insecurities I give others, there's got to be an underlying reason, right? We may not be on the same boat, but maybe we're on the same river, floating towards the waterfall of our impending doom. We've got to paddle for our lives.
Continuing, even though I didn't see it, I passed the USTET. Communication, I think. Racine told me. I'd check myself, but I don't remember my application number. All that's left is... UP.
I wrote an entry last night. This morning actually. I didn't plan on posting it. Who thought it'd fit later on? Here goes:
Thank God for flashlights. :P
It's probably around 1 in the morning now. I've just taken a shower. Damn, I feel cold. It's been a while since I felt cold. I'd sleep in my jacket, but I think it's filthy. Haha. I guess this thin blanket will have to do.
When I was in the shower, Racine asked me if I had thought about how this would be my last night here. I paused, and said no. Truthfully, the thought had never sunk in. I guess I'll only truly miss this retreat house when I can't go here anymore. (Geez, there are still people walking around outside. Mga pasaway! XD)
I think the major theme of our recollection was along the lines of: Don't take things for granted. Our families, our friends, our homes, our experiences, our blessings, and blessings that come in the form of people who care for us. It's soooo easy to take things for granted. Then only when it's gone do you realize how much you had. But, looking at some of my classmates, there are those who are being taken for granted.
I think I would be a very good example for taking things for granted. Before I lived here, I had been living in Japan for nearly 10 years. Then when Dad retired from the Navy, we had to move out of the Base. So we moved here. We lived with my aunt for nearly 2 months while our house was being completed down the hill. It was only then did I cry over the things I had left behind. The things I missed. The things I had taken for granted. I wondered if I would ever visit Japan again. Here I am now, nearly 6 years later, still wondering. But I have my memories, and the people I will never forget.
Speaking of people, I have a huge tendency to take people for granted. People I believe will always be there. I remember when Mom had her operation, and I was just so dumbfounded. Dad called me up and told me that they were at the hospital. I was at Gela's house at the time. I had to sleep over at Cai's house because no one was at home, and Dad couldn't leave the hospital. Jeth was in Virginia then. Maybe I'm dense. That's why the gravity of things don't hit me as fast as they should. I remember her lying down, unconscious on the hospital bed. I saw the machines, and the vapor of her breath on the oxygen mask. All I could do was stare. I couldn't imagine life without my Mom. Then there was the time a few years ago when Jeth almost got Pnuemonia / Bronchitis. I was in 1st year. I even remember doing my CL project in the hospital room. Now that I think about it, I never once thought that I could have lost my brother if he hadn't gotten a check up. Then I remember when Jan's dad died. We were at the wake. I realized I'd be so lost without my Dad. I'd be lost without my parents. Without my family.
Both my parents came. I was happy to see them there. At one point the lights were off and we had our eyes closed. Our parents stood at the back. Then they said that a dad would tell a story. Just as he said, "My daughter", I knew it was my dad. Not only that, but I accidentally peeked. XD Anyway, he told the story of when we had just moved out of Okinawa to Subic Bay. I was around 3 or so then. My dad was trying to teach me how to ride a bike. He had taught my brother successfully, so he tried me. In Subic, our house was on a hill. I bet you know where this is going, lol. So my dad let me ride down this hill on a bike. He actually pushed me. And before he knew it, I was going down the hill so fast. So he tried to chase me and catch up! Lol. It makes me laugh. My dad said there that he caught up to me and stopped me before I got hurt, but in truth he never did. I crashed into a wall. n_n;; At least he chased after me.
This reco wasn't much of a Palanca reco. I think it's because after 4 years of being with each other, we've said everything we want to say. Palancas written to me usually contain the same things. Except for those who really know me. Bea was supposed to give me a palanca from someone, but she forgot it at home. Bummer. I wanted to read it. I'll just have to wait till Wednesday.
This is my last reco. After this, it's back to reality. But hey, what can happen in a day, right?
It sounds like most of my classmates have finally fallen asleep. I'm guessing it's around 2:30 in the morning now.
I think I'll sleep now.
...
You know, this whole thing... It makes me lose my focus. It has made me sick. It has made me feel guilty and depressed, and yet happy. It has made me feel special. Really special. But it's not doing us any good. You're not doing me any good. I'm not doing you any good. We're just making each other suffer, slowly and silently. Why? Because I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what I want. And somehow I feel that I'm not ready to give anything to anyone.
I'm just one person. One confused and uberly screwed 16 year old girl. I can only give so much.
